How I am AWESOME

I am 3rd generation native Northwesterner. And by native, I mean I am an American Indian.  My drunken-self-given Indian Name is Witchy Big-Face.

I went to a private Christian College for two years. . . super lame. Then I got a degree in English from a state school.

As you can imagine, having a Bachelor’s in English, doesn’t lead to too many job opportunities.  So in time, I plan to go back to school to get my Master’s in Information and Library Science. . .mainly so I can be a hot librarian.

But for the moment, I wait tables to pay the bills.

I don’t have any babies or boy-toys because I am a selfish little bitch.  Much to the chagrin of my mother.

Click here to learn about my family.  If you dare.

Oh, and this kind of explains my blog’s name, in a roundabout way.

Things I like:

writing and telling funny stories

Quantum Leap and Star Trek and lots of other Science Fiction

the New York Times crossword puzzle

doing crafty things

jigsaw puzzles

chain smoking and general boozery

Harry Potter

the delicious coffee and beer I get because I live in the Northwest (nyah)

tormenting my downstairs neighbor by being up at all hours of the night

Netflix, sometimes

Historical Fiction

StumbleUpon

reading lots of fantastic books

and one night stands (just kidding, I don’t have the health insurance for the cooter tests.)

Ways I am Fucking Awesome (my secrets)

• I judge people constantly and perhaps unfairly.
• I’m blunt as hell and it doesn’t phase me when I am.
• I’m not always honest with my boss, my parents, or my family but try my best to be as honest as possible with my friends and others I care about.
• I joke about being a witch, but I really do believe the women in my family have prophetic dreams.
• I recently applied to be a volunteer at the library in my city and during my interview, realized that the only library card I have is the same one I got when I was 5 years old . . .in my hometown, which is 3 hours away.
• I’m a complete reverse snob—I look down on people who feel the need to drive Mercedes, Beamers & Lexus, buy Prada bags for show, wear $200 jeans just so they look like they’re with it on the fashion front. I totally dig people who shop at Goodwill or consignment stores or grab groovy furniture from the streetside even if they make an assload of money.
• I have an unfortunate crush on Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. My Hammy is haaaandsome!
• I believe that the greatest hypocrisy is claiming you’re not a hypocrite.
• I get random addictions to things and they fade away in a few months, but sometimes come back. . . knitting, jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles, various tv shows, etc.
• I’m a terrible intellectual snob. People will actually slip a little in my esteem for getting wrong its/it’s or your/you’re, or misusing words I think they should know.  I pretty much cross someone off my list if they claim “reading is boring” or even “I don’t have much time for books”.
• I have to take a shower every night before bed, and I don’t like stinky people sitting on my bed. Or putting their feet or asses on my pillows.
• I often imagine kicking people in the behind, especially if I am walking behind them and they are too slow. Especially at work.
• I hate people who make themselves out to be the victim.
• I am amazed at how stupid people can be. I often think that people like me are the reason there SHOULD be gun control laws. People with my intolerance for rudeness and stupidity shouldn’t be allowed to own firearms.
• I’ve known the creator of the Flying Spaghetti Monster since we were 6 years old.
• I love reading historical fiction and love watching period dramas.
• I rarely get in the car that some other driver doesn’t piss me off.
• Whenever I watch a movie or TV show I like, I look up the trivia for it on IMDB.
• I have contempt for people who live up to racial and gender stereotypes. Or any stereotypes for that matter.
• I live alone, and love it. I need so much alone time that some days, I’m perfectly content not to see another human face, and not have to deal with another person.
• I distrust medical professionals, due to experiences with blatant incompetence and condescension.
• I totally use the caller ID feature on my phone to screen calls. I very rarely pick up the phone when called, unless the caller is someone I want to talk to at that moment. The majority of the time, my phone is on silent.
• I love Billy Joel.  And Billy Joel dance parties.
• I dislike dishonest marketing. I dislike it when people try to sell me things.
• I am bossy, and I kinda like it even if other people don’t like me because of it.
• I always have a crazy amount of food in my house, considering I live alone.
• I sometimes really don’t like some of my friends and wonder what I’m doing with them.
• I suck at bowling, pool, darts, etc. I will only play if I have been drinking quite a bit, so I can blame my sucking on the alcohol.
• I don’t like pseudo-intellectual, pretentious people. Even though I know I have those tendencies at times.
• I swear a lot.
• I hate it when people have a lot of random crap on their profiles or blogs.  It makes it hard to read.
• I take pleasure in pushing the buttons of those who annoy me .
• I get weepy over cheesy, cheesy tv and movie moments.
• I have contempt for people who won’t offer their seat to elderly or pregnant people on the bus or tram, but I always secretly hope that someone will offer their seat before I do.
• I have an uncanny sense of direction and rarely get lost.
• I do not willingly divulge the name of someone who I have been romantically involved with, to someone else who I have been romantically involved with. Not in an effort to be shady, but to avoid drama.
• When I was little, I put my boogers on the upholstery of the door of my mom’s car. And on my poster that my parents brought me from Disneyland.
• I dislike it when people have blatant insecurities, that govern how they act, what they say, and how they treat others.
• I play self-appointed bra police. When I see a woman wearing a poorly-fitting bra, I tell her “Honey, you need more support” or “Jeez, try a larger cup” in my head.
• Whenever I bake anything, I end up making too much, so I have to give it away to friends or co-workers.
• I go through whole periods where I don’t open my mail (unless it’s a personal letter from a friend or family).
• I am always reading a book. I do not remember a time when I wasn’t reading one.
• I tend to do little jigs and sing random songs on purpose, so my co-workers think I’m a weirdo.  It weeds out the people who have no sense of humor.
• I talk to myself in the car.
• I absolutely hate any type of woman/child rapist/abuser. I believe the death penalty is too nice for those people.
• I tend to be too self-absorbed or self-analytical, as shown by my writing this list.  And this blog.
• I have a terrible habit of snooping through other people’s stuff.
• I tend to go grocery shopping at night because I don’t like to deal with steering my cart around people.
• If I can get away with not shaving my legs, I will…the summer season is so much less high-maintenance that way.
• I hate housework of any kind, even though I love living in a clean space. I only do it when the annoyance of the clutter overcomes my laziness to clean. . . or I have someone coming over. I can go for weeks without vacuuming my floors.
• There are some people I secretly want to see fail in life because I know they are horrible people and don’t really deserve to succeed.
• Never in my life have I not found a fart funny.
• I think it’s funny when people fall down or hurt themselves.
• I am semi-ambidextrous. I write with my right hand and carry things with my left.
• I hate bridal and baby showers. I hate bridal and parenting magazines.
• I secretly want to have a movie-like scene, where a man pisses me off so much that I throw my drink in his face.
• When I was little, I didn’t want take my fluoride tablets so I hid them in the wood box in the garage. My parents were pissed when they found all of them.
• I love sneezing. A lot.
• I talk baby talk to animals.
• I feel very fortunate to have been raised by my parents.
• I love Hamburger Helper. I hate Pop-Tarts. I love cucumbers. I hate tomatoes.
• I have utter disdain for women who exploit themselves and their bodies to get attention from men. I have equal disdain for women who put up with abusive relationships just so they have a man.
• When I play games with my family, I come up with team names and team chants. Some include bird calls right in my brother’s face, since he’s such a poor sport.
• You could not pay me enough money to relive my life over the way it occurred the first time. But I wouldn’t change any of it, because it’s made me the person I am today.
• I once had a boyfriend who said he would not kiss me if I had eaten a hot dog in that same day. One day, he pissed me off so I ate a corn dog on purpose before I saw him.
• I believe that today’s society is devolving to a point where people don’t have to grow up and face their responsibilities.
• And remember, someone who is not nice to the waitress, is not a nice person.