My mom had surgery this week to replace one the discs in her spine. What’s insane about it: it was outpatient and just performed in a doctor’s office.
Since the surgery was in a city one hour north of my parents’ house, they wanted her to stay in town overnight. So my mom and dad planned to stay at a hotel down the street from the office and go home the next morning.
The day of the surgery, I woke up at 5am and drove the two hours to be there before they put her under. The plan was for me to drive to my parents house after the surgery, so I could stay there and take care of my mom for a few days.
The surgery went as planned – no complications, which we were all grateful for. The doctor told us that my mom could stay at the doctor’s office over night, instead of going to a hotel. Given my father’s inability to nurture, I was afraid to leave her with him overnight. I told her that I thought she should stay at the doctor’s office, which my father agreed with. (In my opinion, because he didn’t want to take care of her.)
Eventually, my drugged-out mother bitched him out because she wanted to go to the hotel. She wasn’t getting any sleep at the doctor’s since she was the only patient in the office, and the nurses kept bugging her because they were bored. Finally, she got him to relent.
The doctor told us my mom shouldn’t be left alone for a full 24 hours after the surgery. As soon as we got to the hotel, my dad left her alone in the car, and went inside to check in. My mom was pissed.
Once they were settled into the hotel room, I left to get some food for my mom since she hadn’t eaten since the night before. Once I returned, my dad left to move their car.
“You can stay here if you want. You can sleep in this bed with me.”
“I will stay if you want me to stay.”
“It’s dark and raining. You should stay here instead of driving home tonight.”
“Do you want me to stay? Is Dad being retarded?”
(rolls her eyes) “Your father lacks . . . problem solving skills.”
“I will stay here then.”
“Ok, can you set the alarm on the phone to go off every 4 hours? That’s when I need to take my medication.”
Then my mom passed out. And my dad returned, turned on the lights next to my mom’s bed, and watched American Idol, with the sound turned up. For 2 hours.
If you read the post in the second link above, you can see how hypocritical this was. Part of me wanted to say something to him, but I knew it would cause a fight, which would just stress my mom out. I figured that she would say something to him about it, but she never did.
Since the doctor had her on IV fluids, my mom had to pee every other hour. Who was the one who helped her get in and out of bed? Me.
Midnight rolled around. Who was the one who got out bed to help her? Me. Who stayed in bed? Guess. It took all my willpower to not turn to him and snidely say, “The 4am feeding is all you, buddy!”
Instead, when 4 am came, I stayed in bed, just to see if he would get up to help her. He didn’t.
And he wonders why I’m still single and have no babies at the age of almost 29. He’s made me so paranoid about getting stuck with someone like him, I’d rather be alone. I may not have anyone to take care of me when I’m sick, but I also don’t have anyone to resent for NOT taking care of me.
Man, I have some issues.
Issues make us interesting.
My husband takes really good care of me, even cleaned up my lady business at the hospital after the birth of our last child because I was more comfortable with him than the nurse. You just have to train them before you need them. Maybe your mom never made your dad help with the baby stuff or enabled him to be selfish and used to being taken care of versus taking care of someone else. We teach other people how to treat us based on what we allow. When my husband gets lazy and neglects to help, I remind him that my clitoris is connected to the trash cans and that if I have to do everything, I’ll just masturbate and he’ll be on his own in the nookie dept., it always works. I have no doubt that a spitfire like you can someday find a guy that will be a real equal and partner.
With my parents, it’s always the same conversation – my dad offers to help, my mom refuses and tells him no because he’ll do it wrong, eventually she gives in and he fucks everything up and then they’re mad at each other.
I’m like both of them.
If she asked him for help, would he comply?