Kitten and I made yet ANOTHER attempt to go to an AA meeting last night. We decided to find one at a church, so we wouldn’t be raped this time. The one we found took us past the farm that the family from “Little People, Big World” live on.
We did not see any little people, however, Kitten saw a huge donkey boner at the farm across the street years ago.
We arrived at the white-steepled church, and found the meeting in the basement. As soon as we walked in the room, a super nice lady greeted us and said we came on a good night, because they were having a potluck.
So Kitten and I felt like the biggest assholes ever, because we only showed up when they have free food. And we are the types of girls who always bring goodies to parties and work and each other and our friends. Super assholes.
Out of everyone at the meeting, there was one chick who was about 35, and a dude who was about 40. All the rest were 45+. Most were old enough to be, or older than our parents.
Some of the people asked us our names. Our real names rhyme, so if we say them in quick succession, subtly pointing out the rhyme, people always remember us. And we’re both attention-whores, so we’re in the habit of saying our names so they rhyme, just so people remember us. Unfortunately in this case, the old people loved it and wanted to take the cute little girls home with them.
Anyway, to make up for not bringing any food, we help them set up the tables and chairs in a circle for the meeting. Kitten and I sat on one corner of the table circle, until a woman let us know we were sitting in some old codger’s seat. And that he would get all crotchety on our asses because we were sitting there.
At this point Kitten said, “Oh, he’s like Norm!”
The circle of tables was in the exact shape of the Cheers bar, and I was sitting in the exact spot that Norm sits in.
And I thought to myself TWO things simultaneously:
1) “Awesome and appropriate reference, Kitten! Hilarious! That’s exactly why I’m friends with you!”
2) “Did you really just make a reference to a sitcom about a bar, AT AN ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETING!?!?! You’re a fucking dick.”
Somehow, I have no idea how, NO ONE GOT THE REFERENCE. They thought we were talking about our real-life friend, “Norm”.
How does a roomful of alcoholics, all born prior to 1970 (at the latest), NOT GET A CHEERS REFERENCE??!?! Are you kidding me? Kitten’s the one who made the reference, and she was 8 YEARS OLD WHEN THE SHOW WENT OFF THE AIR. She hadn’t EVEN BEEN BORN YET WHEN IT PREMIERED.
Anyway, so the meeting started and they all recited the Serenity Prayer, which I know, so I said it with them. That made the people around me think that I’m in AA, because I happened to know the prayer. When everyone went around in a circle to “tell their stories”, they all expected me to tell mine. Instead, I threw Kitten under the bus and said, “I’m here for support,” while patting her on the back. I’m an asshole.
One guy told his rambling story, which I didn’t pay much attention to. All I remember was him talking about Michael Jackson, referencing Tim Hortons, and saying the word “aboot.” And I had a hard time not laughing, because all I could think “aboot” was Strange Brew. Highly inappropriate reference for an AA meeting. I bet if I said something though, they wouldn’t even understand the reference.
Leave off, ya hoser!
Most of the stories these people were telling were hilarious. I don’t think I’ve heard “fuck” said so many times in a church before. Mainly they were using it in the context of being “fucked up”. Hell yeah.
Some of them were pretty cool people. Others insisted on telling their stories directly at the new people to the group (Kitten and I), while insinuating that people who drink any alcohol are mentally unstable sinners, who need to get help.
Check, check, and check. But alcohol’s not the reason for that, crazy old people. It’s genetics.
The meeting ended and Kitten and I made up some excuse about how she had to get home to her step-son, to feed him dinner. We felt that bad about eating their food. As we left, we both got hugged by many strangers, and they were all disappointed we couldn’t stay. They said they will never forget us.
Ha, no one ever does, bitches. We are the shit.
